“Why do you never find anything written about that idiosyncratic thought you advert to, about your fascination with something no one else understands? Because it is up to you. There is something you find interesting, for a reason hard to explain. It is hard to explain because you have never read it on any page; there you begin. You were made and set here to give voice to this, your own astonishment.” – Anne Dillard, in The Writing Life.
Where to begin? It’s been so long since I’ve written a blog. Words seem to flow out of me through the pen, but they all seem to be directed to a certain someone in my life. All the words I leave unsaid. All the thank yous and all the gratitude that I leave out, for fear of non-receptivity. All of the love that lays within my heart that I keep behind lock & key, behind walls, barricades and borders because it feels safer that way. Safer with something between us, although I crave nothing between us. I want to taste the hot tears of your childhood and the half-forgotten memories of your adolescence. I want to hear the cry of your soul during the darkest of your darkest nights and I want to see your eyes full of astonishment that life can be so goddamn beautiful and cruel all at the same time.
Here we go again. Words, words, words. O’ all the things I could tell you…
So, since I last posted, I’ve attended my first retreat week of training in Kundalini Yoga (as taught by Yogi Bhajan). Traveling interstate for it was perhaps the best possible choice I could’ve made, as it created that sense of respite and relaxation, that sense of leaving all of home behind and going on a pilgrimage. One of my favourite things that happened during the course of actually getting to the retreat centre (about 1.5 hours away from Sydney) was that we had to cross a ferry to get there. It reminded me of reading Siddhartha and his interaction twice over, at different stages of his life, with the ferry man and crossing the river. That sense of initiation, transition and guidance to unknown lands.
It took a few days to know I was in the right place. Well, that being said, I met a woman the first few minutes of being there whom brought about a feeling of mutual de-ja-don’t-i-know-vu that made me smile with synchronicity. However, the moment I knew I was in the right place was sitting in the morning sharing circle after morning sadhana (2.5 hours of meditation, chanting, and yoga warm up and kriya exercises between 4.30 and 7!) and delicious breakfast. I’d been feeling a lot of emotion going on underneath my surface and shared my bit about how I was feeling; fragile & angry. Then it continued around the circle and I still felt I had things to say and the circle went silent after we’d all shared. I felt the tears come and I was holding them back, resisting the urge to speak, to ask for another turn at sharing, to have that be okay… and then I just… let go. I let go of the need for a ‘perfect time’, of the idea that ‘now is not a good time to express yourself’, that ‘my emotions were not worth expressed, and were not allowed in any given moment’, that ‘my emotions and emotional release are things to be experienced only alone where I can process’… and I just let go.
I cried, and cried, and cried, and everyone stayed. Held the space. Were there with me, in all the unique ways, shapes and forms that they could be. That is something I have been experiencing a lot since last October, since ‘coming Home’ from traveling; being Seen. Not being able to release my emotions unless it was in the presence of other people. In a circle. Sacred circles… the true healers of the planet. No matter what modality, technique, or work is being done… the power of human attention, with no judgement or need to comfort or give advice, the power of humans in a circle, in a room, in a sacred space… that is where the true power of the planet lay. In us. In our inter-action with one another.
So, that was the moment when I knew I was in the right place, at the right time, with the right people. I am so, so thankful. & there were multiple occasions across the week where I couldn’t stop crying. I lost count of all the tears, all the grief, all the anger, all that needed to be expressed, to be voiced by myself… I am so thankful to everyone, and to myself, for being there and creating that space. Thankful to the land upon which I cried, upon which I placed my hands and rooted down into, connecting to the heart of the earth so that I may keep my balance in touching the stars. Allowing the tears to come, and the tears that needed to come, came. Do you ever feel as though each single tear that is released in a certain moment is so purely exact in it’s precision? That there was no other possible tear that could have fallen from your eyes to grace your cheeks at that point in time because it was meant to be there? Meant to well from deep within you, to fill your vision with distortion and to fall via eternity and the sacred presence of noise/silence and all that is in-between to stream down your cheek? I do.
I believe in the innate healing power of the human body/mind/soul and the powers that be to allow what is needed in this moment.
Months ago I was lost and seeking connection through imaginary lands in my head, and I cried out to the Universe; I am sick and tired of searching for my love. I am sick and tired of expending energy on those who are not worth my energy, whom I find no connection with, and I am sick of running circles in my mind. Please, let it stop. Let me stop seeking. Let me be with no one else, til you deliver me a soul mate who connects with me on all the levels I need now. Please deliver me some one in Divine Alignment, whom I can be my authentic self with, please let there be no others but one whom I could cry in bed with, who would understand my pain and hold space with, who would connect with me beyond sex, beyond words, beyond space and time. I am ready to do the work, whatever that comes up or arises as a result of this connection, I am ready to work. To face, accept, move forward from.I am ready.
Be careful what you wish for, because the Universe delivers. I’ve been astounded, scared, fearful, nervous, challenged, excited, interested, stuck, silent, talkative, angry, confused, distressed, hopeful and held in innumerable ways. I’ve come up against so many blocks, and so many releases and so many what-if’s. Whatever I am meant to learn at the moment, there exists the space, and the people, around me to learn it. All it takes is inner courage, and devotion to love, light and life.
I am creating space; for love, life, and light in my life this year, the year of completion. Intellectually, I knew I would have to come up against that which needed to be completed, but experientally it’s a whole other ball game. Coming up, and grating, against things which are stuck, stagnant and need to move. Moving into all the spaces in my life that are full, and moving into that which they are full of – whether it be anger, grief, resentment, self-doubt, hope, passion or love. Come what may, and come it will. Coming up against all the places in my life that I’ve created blocks, where I’ve said no to life time and time again. No to growth. No to expression. No to love. No to letting go. No to others. No to myself.
On week one of KYTT, a major theme was devotion. Devotion to morning sadhana, to the present moment, to God and Oneself. It’s funny to think, but I barely thought of home and everyone I knew and am involved with here the first half of the week I was there. I have been investigating and exploring my self in relation to others so much that I had almost completely forgotten about my relationship with myself. With the Holy Moment. With God.
So what to do? Well… to write. Express. Move forward, day by day, in any way I can and let go of needing to understand everything. Moving into feeling, and trusting self in each and every moment as I feel my intuition guide my life more and more powerfully, and with more and more precision.
Something is happening below the surface of the water; I am finding out I can breathe in my emotions, in the sea and waters of my anger there still lays space for breath, for love, for life, and for light. It’s always there. That little gap. It’s all you need. It’s all I need. Just a little bit of space.
Sat Nam &
Namaste beautiful souls.