It’s been an emotional few weeks. Hormones; rage, sadness, grief, purposelessness, anger, frustration… all have been flowing out and through me. Nerves about heading off to yoga teacher training in a few days, doubts, insecurities, confusion… many, many things about love – not being open, acknowledging that for some reason, my body does not wish to open – that is okay, that it is okay to cry in front of a lover for reasons I might not yet understand, and for reasons that I almost wish I didn’t.
Acknowledging past trauma and sexual experiences. Acknowledging how my relationship with control has coloured my entire life; with food, resistance, my menstrual cycle & identity as a woman, life direction, sex, lovers, procrastination, communication & intimacy… That sometimes what it means to surrender is to acknowledge the closed off parts of myself and for that to be ok – for myself to remain closed for as long as I need – my shop needn’t be open for anyone, it is myself that decides the hours, myself only that can give consent, and that can say no; no matter what. My relationship with commitment. Freedom. Love. Leaping.
I think I’ve had too much coffee to link together my thoughts at the moment ( 😉 ) – but I will say that I am no longer afraid, or that I will act in spite of my fear. For love, intimacy, growth, boundary pushing and destiny travelling. Fuck stagnation – I am a bad ass woman with a heart of gold and fuck hiding it away. I will shine as brightly as I can and open when I need to. I love you, all of you. Happy women’s day! 🙂
Sat nam, blessings & a big fat hug –