Wave after wave… wave after wave… slowly drifting…
This song has been in my head aaall week long – and it strikes me as the antithesis to my dreams… Dreams of being doused in petrol, gasoline, lighter fluid… Men in my past providing fuel for a fire yet to be ignited… Wetting me with their desires, rage, providing a basis to bounce off of… The chase… The holding on… The dragging this heavy back pack of past lovers around… Traipsing across the world never fulling landing, never letting go, always holding a ‘back up’, a ‘one day’, a ‘once more’ in my mind and – most pertinently – in my heart.
- Edit: Also – in a hilarious laugh from the Universe – I have never watched this video clip before in my life, and playing it I was watching realising that I remembered these places, that I have been there… and that in fact – the man I have been dreaming about – I met him there, in Tulum. How incredible is that? Universe, you make me laugh. Okay – I get the message. I think.
To what am I still holding onto? It is in the past, another country, another world, another life… and yet my body knows.. my body remembers the touch; remembers the decision to stop holding back, holding in and to give in – to me, to men, to love… and amazing life that leads from that.. from sex, sensuality, sexuality, being a woman, being with a man, exploring my sexuality with others unapolagetically…
My body remembers learning to ask for what I want, remembers expressing my needs, my desires – no matter how my mind labelled them. I am what I am, and I need what I need – it’s not up to you to give it to me.. It’s up to me to ask, to lead, to surrender, to recieve, to give thanks and gratitude and love, to hold… Embodying the divine human woman… the sticky, messy, liberated, all-embracing, boundary chameleon…
I went to yoga last night, directly after hitting the gym and having a wonderful session. I’ve been feeling happy, peaceful… riding waves of awesome energy the last few days, almost all week… and almost as soon as I entered the church hall, the tears began. I sat on my mat, tuned in and felt the slow roll of tears down my cheeks. The focus during the class was on the ten bodies, but I modified a lot of poses, doing what felt good for me, relaxing, breathing, meditating… it got time to stand up from our floor work and as soon as I stood up something just went POW. I sat my ass straight back down, offered my head and heart to the floor til I realised I had to go outside to let this go…
So I stood outside, basking in the warm sunshine, occasionally letting a sob go, tears rolling down my cheeks as I sat down underneath one of the most beautiful trees on the grass… but it was like I couldn’t fully let go. I continued the remainder of the class, reaching savasana… and then staying in savasana… letting my body melt… I went into a deep space; staying there amidst direction to stretch and come back… I knew I had to stay… the only image I retained was of a paintbrush stirring a pot of coloured beads around a bowl… and I stayed in savasana still as class broke up, as people walked, packed up, left… until I finally brought myself to a sitting position, hands on my heart.
Then the tears came.
Pain. Hurt. Grief. Sadness. I don’t even know what. My teacher came and placed a soothing hand on my back, witnessing my tears and just being with me. We talked a while about what had been going on, and the feelings and things I described to her she said it was so strange – that she herself had recently gone through a similar experience as well as several students… and that she has never heard of a thing like that before… something in the air… in the collective consciousness…
What I know is this – I have asked to release this, to experience this, to be able to fucking cry out this indescribable feeling – and have not succeeded in a feeling of release – it felt too forced. Til yesterday. There is something about having your pain witnessed, crying and showcasing your deep, dark self to another, that is so incredibly healing. It takes a community.
When did you stop dancing, singing, laughing?
When did it become that we had to hide away our pain, that the only acceptable way was alone in your house, crying on the floor, begging for release, and then going to work the next day telling no one? How is that healing?
I want to be seen.
I want to be heard.
I want to know I am not alone here. I want to be with my tribe.
I call you in.
I ask the Universe to deliver us to one another.
To break the heart of the world open.
To begin anew.
To move toward love with each and every waking breath – whether that breath be a racking sob, a gasping orgasm, a slow & deep inhale, hyperventilation before a freedive, whether it be your first or your last, whether it be through scuba gear, a ventilator, or simply you and your god blessed lungs – I hope you drink in love in every breath.
I love you.