Seeking Without & Within

The Anointing of Forgiveness – C. Michael Dudash.

Have you ever stumbled upon something you wish perhaps you hadn’t? Moved in a certain way and triggered a feeling, a sensation, a connection to something else that you’ve long known was there, but haven’t taken the time to explore?

I remember at the start of last year, investigating this incredible emotional pain that laid in my hips, by the light of a dim lamp in a cold, frosted world. I didn’t however, delve deep.

I forgot about it, in time, occasionally revisiting it for a few seconds, but knowing that one specific pose made me feel that thing and it was hence to be avoided.

I’ve recently happened upon that thing again, and I tell you now – I get the feeling I am going through a process of deep healing. I’m not doing anything in particular – I just had that thought before as I reflected upon what this year has brought so far… I have been existing in a strange state of mind, treating my self with gentless and tender loving care… Very unlike the energy I left 2015 with – full of gusto, inspiration, motivation and determination to clear out for the new year; to write, to clear all electronic clutter from my life and to begin anew, with a fresh slate to work from.

Be careful what you wish for.

I felt a calling to release my hips, and haven’t felt the urge to go back to kundalini yoga class or to do any kriya work at all this year. It’s all been calling me towards grounding, towards hatha postures and relaxing into poses for extended amounts of time… to support… to feeling… and I have opened up a whole new world I feel. I haven’t learnt many new poses in a long time, more so been focusing on meditation, kriya and pranayama practices but hello 2016 – I have been learning a lot.

And as I enter into the realm of my hips I have opened up a whole new kettle of fish. This feels ancient. There is a feeling there that I can almost not even give a word to; but I’ll try. It feels unbearable, uncomfortable, overwhelming, all-consuming, ready to erupt at any time. I feel this intense need to vomit, yet not strictly in the physical sense. There is something there so dense and so… heavy, that it is unbearable. I have been running from this. I have not wanted to face this. To be honest, it is all I can do to relax into my hips deeply for 10 seconds. It becomes too much. And I can’t even cry. I want to express this, but I don’t know how to let it out. I want to let it out. Please let it come out.

I’ve been dreaming. Big dreams. Healing dreams. Revealing dreams. I have hurt a lot of people in my life time. I have forgiven a lot of people in my life time, and have been feeling confused lately regarding whether the Universe is sending me messages to connect again with several people whom I’ve lost contact with. I had a dream last night and it’s become clear to me as a result that this will not achieve anything. They will not give me anything. Only I can.

Only I can forgive myself.

Here is to the watery realm of the hips,
Here is to all the lips that I’ve kissed,
Here is to joy,
and here is to sorrow,
Perhaps I’ll feel a little better
Tomorrow.

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