Re-CONNECT.

So. A lot has gone on since I last posted. I cannot even remember when, or what I last posted about. Alas, I have finished all my work for my university semester and have just finished up a period of house sitting where I allowed myself to simply relaaaaax for several days.

In any case, I am now home and am beginning on my ‘to do’ list that is calling my attention… in conjunction with various other things. My mother is going back to work – to work at my work in actual fact – and it seems like she is excited and ready to move on and leave her nursing behind… Good for her… My father is in the process of figuring out his next steps with business, as working in another city half the week is not what he wants to be doing… My darling brother is just finishing his exams, finishing off his second-to-last year of high school… and I am…

I am…

I am in the midst of a 40-day sadhana. I may have mentioned that I was contemplating doing a Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training here in my home town, but after some research and investigation, and a wee bit of soul searching, I turned it down… prioritizing my desire to travel post me finishing my degree in July next year… So I reached out to my wonderful yoga teacher who helped me source the right kriya for me… and we found myself drawn to a ‘Heart Connection’ kriya…

I am.. 7 days into it and am blown away but what is bubbling up… forming pressure and slowly rising to conciousness… to bubble at the surface and then … pop … !! So many things… but to be more concise; so many relationships. It has been all about relationships so far… I walked into this, after the new moon, with the intention of re-connecting to my heart… allowing whatever is holding me back from loving myself at the deepest level, whatever is holding me back from the highest self-worth, self-value, self-love… to bubble up, be processed, and let go… vowing that I would trust the process and allow…. allowance being a key theme.

The first few days I would sit down at 6am and after practice, whilst walking the dog or fixing coffee I would find myself thinking about certain persons that used to be in my life… ex-lovers, and ex-could-have-been-lovers… people who have factored strongly in my romantic life for whatever reason… they are all bubbling up… waiting to be acknowledged, heard, dealt with, sent on their way… They take up space, they took up space, and now maybe is the time to deal with how I feel… My dreams also closely mirror, perhaps as a precursor to what arises after the kriya, but also perhaps what rises after is simply there to be acknowledged… Ah such a tangled, beautiful, interconnected web of wonder…

And then in Kundalini yoga class this weekend, as part of the chakra series we are doing at the moment, we focused on the solar plexus chakra… the entire class I felt like giggling like a little girl, and felt like a total, radiant sunflower… feeling like skipping along to fields of sunflowers where I could dance and twirl forever and ever in the radiant Sun…

Full of pure joy… pure, childlike joy. Bliss. Joy. Love. Freedom. Celebration for Life’s sake.

And then… I have found resistence since moving back home after house-sitting, scared that I would wake my parents and brother (and whoever else is staying in our house at the moment… it’s quite often a full one) with my chanting… fear of embarrassment if they heard me doing pranayama as they walk past in the morning… and so I have been sleeping in, hoping to cram it in when my mother drops my brother to school in the morning… but today I slept through that opportunity also, and my mother was in the room across the hall on the computer so I went to do yoga practice… in the bathroom with the water running… not daring to risk chanting… on a hard surface, doing pranayama hastily… before crying, lots, sobbing… realising that this is something that needs to be dealt with…

The feeling that I cannot be myself in my own home… that I do not believe it is okay to be heard in my own house, by my own family… perhaps as a result of having to hide my previous weed-smoking habit and having to be oh-so-quiet so as not to be heard and caught out…

So I walked to mum and told her how I was feeling… that I was scared they’d think I was weird… and she said it was okay, to chant away… asking again and again if I was okay, if anything else was the matter… Of course not, but I shared with her that this was bringing things up… and then I think to myself – the only times she has seen me cry like that have been times in, and just out of, high school where I hid depression and bulimia and self-harm from everyone til I could no longer… and that this was what most likely went through her mind… because I hide my emotions from them now, almost to try and protect them, but I view it differently now… I am just releasing and have to allow myself to release, because I often hold back for fear of mum worrying etc…

I trust it is all part of the process, yet I realise that this is so foreign to my parents – who, when I say that I was resistant to yoga practice, they could not fathom why… viewing yoga as something that makes me feel good… and it does, it does, but that doesn’t mean that things will always be ‘hunky dory’… Yoga is union with oneself, and there are battles and monsters to be faced, words to be said and danced to be danced before I can surrender… and compassion is needed here – for I too used to think that many things said in yoga class were a ‘crock of new-age shit’ (perdon my french…), yet these things are now the notions that sustain me… that challenge me… allow me to grow…

What a wonderful gift this life is, our emotions, the wind that blows through the trees, the sun that scorches and burns, the water that soothes and cleanses, the earth that hums her wonderful tune and provides again, and again, and again….

I just had to share that. I didn’t even know half of that was what was happening, but there you have it… que sera, sera… Featured photo is me smiling at 6am in the Guatemalan jungle… Coming out of the dark of night filled with howler monkey screeches, and imaginary monsters, to see the fog rolling out to reveal the ancient temples, to hear a bird sing the most beautiful dawn song… All is going to be okay. The fog that covers the heart can be hard to face, but what is underneath… it is oh so worth it.

Sat Nam, and Namaste beautiful brothers and sisters.
May your day be filled with the light of the sun, and the light of your heart…

My current jam; Loving Jai-Jagdeesh at the moment… What a wonderful woman… Love this remix!

 

 

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