Feel totally fucking insane. Not really. Not totally. Feel like I’m going nuts. Feel so, so incredibley lethargic and energy less. Had no appetite for a day. Had to make myself eat today, I have no interest. Thinking back over all the university work I have done the past few weeks… I used to be able to do that in a fucking day, if that. I feel pathetic, and like a god damn looser that can’t focus, that doesn’t want to work or finish university or see people, but secretly craves it. Feeling like eating today was filling an emotional void, contemplating visiting an ED support group just to feel a sense of community, of understanding because I think I’d forgotten what it was like… That is a lie, I will never forget…
I think I have something to contribute, I just can’t fucking wait till after university is finished for the semester and maybe that even is a half lie because I can’t wait for it to fucking finish in general because I feel like the wheels are going to come off, the cogs are going to fall off and I am going to fall apart. I feel my life at the moment is purposeless… meaningless… contributeless… I feel very much down in the dumps, angry, resistentent, oh right I will be visited by the red waters soon…. In any case though, these feelings are exacerbated so I can notice them and work on it, let them go, start something new but God I feel like I just need to let a lot of things fucking die.
I keep fueling these parasites, they are like tiny little worms that work their way through my liver, fat, flesh, brain, eat my stems and leaves and smell like rotting meat. I keep them alive, for they give me comfort, a sense that I am not truly alone, for who am I without my monsters, my neuroses? Who am I without thinking I am not good enough, that I will never be perfect enough…? Who am I then? What things will I have to do if I believe that I am awesome, worthy, and good enough? It requires jumping off cliffs and risking rejection and hyper-awareness and most of the time my behaviour is that I will seclude myself in my cave, letting my monsters rot my dog damn bones.
I went through many old photos on my facebook today – man I am glad I can’t find my myspace. I look back on that girl who I used to be and wow I was so young, hadn’t experienced so many things… That girl feels like a whole other person… I am proud of who I have become, and yes, sometimes the person who I have become has shitty feelings and feels like a piece of poo. That’s okay. I’m learning that it’s okay.
I have a crush on the guy at the coffee shop. I finally asked his name on the weekend, and when he came out with my coffee he’d written my name on the top of my flat white, saying “I think I got the spelling right…”. He is sweet and smiley and feels… Earthy… Substantial… I’m not sure. But I smiled the whole walk home. I can’t get him out of my head, and I’m unsure why. I feel like a fucking creeper, a stalker, and I think it’s partly because the coffee store is on my street and every time I walk my dog I subconciously hope he’d be finishing work and spy me walking my dog… I feel pathetic, like I need to get a life, but conversely isn’t that how we all meet people? If I were travelling, how would I have acted? I now feel self-concious about going there, and I walked in this morning to be greeted by name but then to sit in silence because I couldn’t find the courage to say anything bar “thank you” and “no sugar”.
When did I become so socially anxious? Have I always been this way? I think because I don’t have an eating disorder anymore, I realise the anxious feelings are still there of their own accord. I feel highly sensitive and don’t know how to deal with everything I feel. Everytime I walk out the door I get bombarded by this sense of how others feel around me… And I have resisted the label ’empath’ for so long, til the other day I read an article describing characteristics and the thought occured to me that maybe every one doesn’t feel this way… I just assumed they did, and thought the label of ’empath’ was a wanky, swanky, pretentious title to give oneself… but perhaps not.
I don’t know, I just don’t know. And I get pissed off, you read all these articles about ‘do this, attract this, do it this way, that way, anyway, say what you want, don’t say what you don’t, the law of attraction, God is listening YA YA YA’. FUCK! Am I not allowed to have a negative thought or state for the record that I am experiencing feelings of extreme agitation, frustration, restlessness and fucking CONFUSION!? Am I supposed to say ‘everything is going to be okay’ even when I feel it is not? I feel like that is devaluing my emotional state.
And I need someone to talk to, someone to help me move, to shake, to learn, grow, and face… because I’ve been experiencing things I never thought I would… Hearing things I never thought I would – who knew who knew who knew? Some people knew, many people know, perhaps religion isn’t really a farce after all… I believe in “God” as in the Universe, what a load of fucking wank I didn’t know a damn thing. That voice, that rumble, that sound, it could strike terror in the hearts of warriors, obey me, obey the Divine Law… and I am struggling to intergrate this… My mind-body-world-soul-God-Universe paradigm is shifting and I am searching-searching-searching but I have TWO FUCKING ASSIGNMENTS TO FINISH… Three subjects to finish after these two assignments are due and then I am free… But then I think why bother? But then I think if I dove to the bottom of the ocean and never resurfaced the world would continue to spin without me… My breathe would be the trees, my bones the coral, my blood the sea…
I am wild woman, hear me roar.
I am wild woman, hear me snore.
I am wild woman, I feel a fucking bore.
I am wild woman, watch me cry.
I am wild woman, see me wander the streets at night.
I am wild woman, I am so god damn overwhelmed.
Will someone please come help me navigate my Hell?