Fed Up.

Today  I don’t care about the full moon.

Today I don’t care about buying hooks to hang paintings on my wall.

Today I don’t give a flying fuck about the ‘return of the Divine Feminine’ or the balancing of energies.

Today I am MAD.

Today I am FRUSTRATED.

Today  I feel ALONE, PATHETIC, and LOST.

Advertisements

Out At Sea

A storm is coming;
It tingles through the air
We spot it far upon the horizon,
Feel the wind caress our air.

We were not prepared,
But we are Ready
We will work with what we’ve got,
If nothing else – we’ll keep ourselves steady.

Weather this storm,
through the forces that flow through me,
I know I know,
you’ll eventually see…

Light,
Strength,
Courage,
Resourcefulness,
and a calm, calm head
lest you end up
on the sea bed.

What’s mine is yours,
i see the look in your eyes,
I see it when when you smile,
even more when you cry.

You are determined,
we’re here together,
praise the forces that be
that have created this weather.

To treat each challenge
as a gift
is surely holy,
and trust me – it brings unimaginable benefit.

You’ll make it,
We’ll make it,
We made it,
(We made it).

In the midst of every
terrifying and fearsome storm,
there is an unchangeable calm –
this is the source of
I am that
I am.

 

Re-CONNECT.

So. A lot has gone on since I last posted. I cannot even remember when, or what I last posted about. Alas, I have finished all my work for my university semester and have just finished up a period of house sitting where I allowed myself to simply relaaaaax for several days.

In any case, I am now home and am beginning on my ‘to do’ list that is calling my attention… in conjunction with various other things. My mother is going back to work – to work at my work in actual fact – and it seems like she is excited and ready to move on and leave her nursing behind… Good for her… My father is in the process of figuring out his next steps with business, as working in another city half the week is not what he wants to be doing… My darling brother is just finishing his exams, finishing off his second-to-last year of high school… and I am…

I am…

I am in the midst of a 40-day sadhana. I may have mentioned that I was contemplating doing a Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training here in my home town, but after some research and investigation, and a wee bit of soul searching, I turned it down… prioritizing my desire to travel post me finishing my degree in July next year… So I reached out to my wonderful yoga teacher who helped me source the right kriya for me… and we found myself drawn to a ‘Heart Connection’ kriya…

I am.. 7 days into it and am blown away but what is bubbling up… forming pressure and slowly rising to conciousness… to bubble at the surface and then … pop … !! So many things… but to be more concise; so many relationships. It has been all about relationships so far… I walked into this, after the new moon, with the intention of re-connecting to my heart… allowing whatever is holding me back from loving myself at the deepest level, whatever is holding me back from the highest self-worth, self-value, self-love… to bubble up, be processed, and let go… vowing that I would trust the process and allow…. allowance being a key theme.

The first few days I would sit down at 6am and after practice, whilst walking the dog or fixing coffee I would find myself thinking about certain persons that used to be in my life… ex-lovers, and ex-could-have-been-lovers… people who have factored strongly in my romantic life for whatever reason… they are all bubbling up… waiting to be acknowledged, heard, dealt with, sent on their way… They take up space, they took up space, and now maybe is the time to deal with how I feel… My dreams also closely mirror, perhaps as a precursor to what arises after the kriya, but also perhaps what rises after is simply there to be acknowledged… Ah such a tangled, beautiful, interconnected web of wonder…

And then in Kundalini yoga class this weekend, as part of the chakra series we are doing at the moment, we focused on the solar plexus chakra… the entire class I felt like giggling like a little girl, and felt like a total, radiant sunflower… feeling like skipping along to fields of sunflowers where I could dance and twirl forever and ever in the radiant Sun…

Full of pure joy… pure, childlike joy. Bliss. Joy. Love. Freedom. Celebration for Life’s sake.

And then… I have found resistence since moving back home after house-sitting, scared that I would wake my parents and brother (and whoever else is staying in our house at the moment… it’s quite often a full one) with my chanting… fear of embarrassment if they heard me doing pranayama as they walk past in the morning… and so I have been sleeping in, hoping to cram it in when my mother drops my brother to school in the morning… but today I slept through that opportunity also, and my mother was in the room across the hall on the computer so I went to do yoga practice… in the bathroom with the water running… not daring to risk chanting… on a hard surface, doing pranayama hastily… before crying, lots, sobbing… realising that this is something that needs to be dealt with…

The feeling that I cannot be myself in my own home… that I do not believe it is okay to be heard in my own house, by my own family… perhaps as a result of having to hide my previous weed-smoking habit and having to be oh-so-quiet so as not to be heard and caught out…

So I walked to mum and told her how I was feeling… that I was scared they’d think I was weird… and she said it was okay, to chant away… asking again and again if I was okay, if anything else was the matter… Of course not, but I shared with her that this was bringing things up… and then I think to myself – the only times she has seen me cry like that have been times in, and just out of, high school where I hid depression and bulimia and self-harm from everyone til I could no longer… and that this was what most likely went through her mind… because I hide my emotions from them now, almost to try and protect them, but I view it differently now… I am just releasing and have to allow myself to release, because I often hold back for fear of mum worrying etc…

I trust it is all part of the process, yet I realise that this is so foreign to my parents – who, when I say that I was resistant to yoga practice, they could not fathom why… viewing yoga as something that makes me feel good… and it does, it does, but that doesn’t mean that things will always be ‘hunky dory’… Yoga is union with oneself, and there are battles and monsters to be faced, words to be said and danced to be danced before I can surrender… and compassion is needed here – for I too used to think that many things said in yoga class were a ‘crock of new-age shit’ (perdon my french…), yet these things are now the notions that sustain me… that challenge me… allow me to grow…

What a wonderful gift this life is, our emotions, the wind that blows through the trees, the sun that scorches and burns, the water that soothes and cleanses, the earth that hums her wonderful tune and provides again, and again, and again….

I just had to share that. I didn’t even know half of that was what was happening, but there you have it… que sera, sera… Featured photo is me smiling at 6am in the Guatemalan jungle… Coming out of the dark of night filled with howler monkey screeches, and imaginary monsters, to see the fog rolling out to reveal the ancient temples, to hear a bird sing the most beautiful dawn song… All is going to be okay. The fog that covers the heart can be hard to face, but what is underneath… it is oh so worth it.

Sat Nam, and Namaste beautiful brothers and sisters.
May your day be filled with the light of the sun, and the light of your heart…

My current jam; Loving Jai-Jagdeesh at the moment… What a wonderful woman… Love this remix!

 

 

Cosmic Gloopology.

Feel totally fucking insane. Not really. Not totally. Feel like I’m going nuts. Feel so, so incredibley lethargic and energy less. Had no appetite for a day. Had to make myself eat today, I have no interest. Thinking back over all the university work I have done the past few weeks… I used to be able to do that in a fucking day, if that. I feel pathetic, and like a god damn looser that can’t focus, that doesn’t want to work or finish university or see people, but secretly craves it. Feeling like eating today was filling an emotional void, contemplating visiting an ED support group just to feel a sense of community, of understanding because I think I’d forgotten what it was like… That is a lie, I will never forget…

I think I have something to contribute, I just can’t fucking wait till after university is finished for the semester and maybe that even is a half lie because I can’t wait for it to fucking finish in general because I feel like the wheels are going to come off, the cogs are going to fall off and I am going to fall apart. I feel my life at the moment is purposeless… meaningless… contributeless… I feel very much down in the dumps, angry, resistentent, oh right I will be visited by the red waters soon…. In any case though, these feelings are exacerbated so I can notice them and work on it, let them go, start something new but God I feel like I just need to let a lot of things fucking die.

I keep fueling these parasites, they are like tiny little worms that work their way through my liver, fat, flesh, brain, eat my stems and leaves and smell like rotting meat. I keep them alive, for they give me comfort, a sense that I am not truly alone, for who am I without my monsters, my neuroses? Who am I without thinking I am not good enough, that I will never be perfect enough…? Who am I then? What things will I have to do if I believe that I am awesome, worthy, and good enough? It requires jumping off cliffs and risking rejection and hyper-awareness and most of the time my behaviour is that I will seclude myself in my cave, letting my monsters rot my dog damn bones.

I went through many old photos on my facebook today – man I am glad I can’t find my myspace. I look back on that girl who I used to be and wow I was so young, hadn’t experienced so many things… That girl feels like a whole other person… I am proud of who I have become, and yes, sometimes the person who I have become has shitty feelings and feels like a piece of poo. That’s okay. I’m learning that it’s okay.

I have a crush on the guy at the coffee shop. I finally asked his name on the weekend, and when he came out with my coffee he’d written my name on the top of my flat white, saying “I think I got the spelling right…”. He is sweet and smiley and feels… Earthy… Substantial… I’m not sure. But I smiled the whole walk home. I can’t get him out of my head, and I’m unsure why. I feel like a fucking creeper, a stalker, and I think it’s partly because the coffee store is on my street and every time I walk my dog I subconciously hope he’d be finishing work and spy me walking my dog… I feel pathetic, like I need to get a life, but conversely isn’t that how we all meet people? If I were travelling, how would I have acted? I now feel self-concious about going there, and I walked in this morning to be greeted by name but then to sit in silence because I couldn’t find the courage to say anything bar “thank you” and “no sugar”.

When did I become so socially anxious? Have I always been this way? I think because I don’t have an eating disorder anymore, I realise the anxious feelings are still there of their own accord. I feel highly sensitive and don’t know how to deal with everything I feel. Everytime I walk out the door I get bombarded by this sense of how others feel around me… And I have resisted the label ’empath’ for so long, til the other day I read an article describing characteristics and the thought occured to me that maybe every one doesn’t feel this way… I just assumed they did, and thought the label of ’empath’ was a wanky, swanky, pretentious title to give oneself… but perhaps not.

I don’t know, I just don’t know. And I get pissed off, you read all these articles about ‘do this, attract this, do it this way, that way, anyway, say what you want, don’t say what you don’t, the law of attraction, God is listening YA YA YA’. FUCK! Am I not allowed to have a negative thought or state for the record that I am experiencing feelings of extreme agitation, frustration, restlessness and fucking CONFUSION!? Am I supposed to say ‘everything is going to be okay’ even when I feel it is not? I feel like that is devaluing my emotional state.

And I need someone to talk to, someone to help me move, to shake, to learn, grow, and face… because I’ve been experiencing things I never thought I would… Hearing things I never thought I would – who knew who knew who knew? Some people knew, many people know, perhaps religion isn’t really a farce after all… I believe in “God” as in the Universe, what a load of fucking wank I didn’t know a damn thing. That voice, that rumble, that sound, it could strike terror in the hearts of warriors, obey me, obey the Divine Law… and I am struggling to intergrate this… My mind-body-world-soul-God-Universe paradigm is shifting and I am searching-searching-searching but I have TWO FUCKING ASSIGNMENTS TO FINISH… Three subjects to finish after these two assignments are due and then I am free… But then I think why bother? But then I think if I dove to the bottom of the ocean and never resurfaced the world would continue to spin without me… My breathe would be the trees, my bones the coral, my blood the sea…

I am wild woman, hear me roar.

I am wild woman, hear me snore.

I am wild woman, I feel a fucking bore.

I am wild woman, watch me cry.

I am wild woman, see me wander the streets at night.

I am wild woman, I am so god damn overwhelmed.

Will someone please come help me navigate my Hell?

Sat Nam,
Namaste.

Kelsey.

Magdalena…

mary_magdalene_and_egghttps://soundcloud.com/kleighau/magdalena

I remember singing this chant at a women’s retreat I went to just over a month ago… having such a supportive space held by my sisters with beautiful healing drums and voices as I walked with others through a labyrinth on top of a grassy knoll looking over the bush land, rolling hills and the ocean in the distance… I loved it so much and despite not knowing the translation of ‘et ze hey em high, et ze hey em high, may em hay em high…’ in Hebrew (something about a wheel?) I love it and find it calming and meditative… Singing it through grief, stress and confusion… Not very good quality, but I just felt the need to share. Blessings and Namaste ❤

Image from Google images.