ANGRY.

IMG_0618Angry, upset, sad, frustrated, blocked, stuffed, touched, vulnerable.

Comforted.

Enraged.

Curious. Loving.

Rage.

My pen ran out when I was doing a free-writing exercise in my journal so here is the next best option. I have stepped back into myself only to realise I don’t know how to wear myself. I am aware of my clunky feet, and my messed up stride, how much I long to walk with elegance and Grace. I have met many children of Christ on my travels. I have opened my heart so many times, and I have been left over and over again. On to the next. Can I be the one leaving?

And now I am.

Two days.

DCIM102GOPRO

I am scared, nervous, reluctant. I see a life for me somewhere here and I am not entirely sure what awaits back at home. I know that I am homesick, for my family, a few friends, my dog, my beautiful city, but I am heading back to a degree I am not entirely sure I want, just because it’s the thing to do. Do I want to finish this? What else is there to do? Will a year really kill my soul? Will I regret not completing it? What would I do instead? Travel, travel, travel.

I’ve been on an epic trial run for my life, one that has lead me to unexpected places and taught me about planning and flexibility and letting go and holding on and opening up to be broken, broken, broken, to reveal a higher self.

I have kissed beautiful souls; acrobats, divers, language enthusiast, nomads, travelers, army officers, men of God. I have opened my legs and opened my heart and I have stared into the pearly gates of eternity with the look of a child on my face. I have spent countless nights underneath stars talking shit, and countless nights connecting with the here and now and the people the surround.

No one is ever random.

Coincidences do not just occur, follow the path of the 222, wake up and shake your head, pay attention, follow your dreams? WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS? What have you always desired, you can have it I promise my child, I promise. I will hold you, and I will protect you, you make me feel happy and whole and I thank you for that. Your eyes change colour with the weather of your moods and when I look into them I see you. I see you too. And now I must leave you. Thank you.

Where am I going? I do not know.

I am leaving Central America, and I do not want to go… Back to Canada for a week to see friends, to Iceland for a week of hiking, to England for a week and a half seeing friends then back to the land of Oz.

3 and a half weeks…

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