ANGRY.

IMG_0618Angry, upset, sad, frustrated, blocked, stuffed, touched, vulnerable.

Comforted.

Enraged.

Curious. Loving.

Rage.

My pen ran out when I was doing a free-writing exercise in my journal so here is the next best option. I have stepped back into myself only to realise I don’t know how to wear myself. I am aware of my clunky feet, and my messed up stride, how much I long to walk with elegance and Grace. I have met many children of Christ on my travels. I have opened my heart so many times, and I have been left over and over again. On to the next. Can I be the one leaving?

And now I am.

Two days.

DCIM102GOPRO

I am scared, nervous, reluctant. I see a life for me somewhere here and I am not entirely sure what awaits back at home. I know that I am homesick, for my family, a few friends, my dog, my beautiful city, but I am heading back to a degree I am not entirely sure I want, just because it’s the thing to do. Do I want to finish this? What else is there to do? Will a year really kill my soul? Will I regret not completing it? What would I do instead? Travel, travel, travel.

I’ve been on an epic trial run for my life, one that has lead me to unexpected places and taught me about planning and flexibility and letting go and holding on and opening up to be broken, broken, broken, to reveal a higher self.

I have kissed beautiful souls; acrobats, divers, language enthusiast, nomads, travelers, army officers, men of God. I have opened my legs and opened my heart and I have stared into the pearly gates of eternity with the look of a child on my face. I have spent countless nights underneath stars talking shit, and countless nights connecting with the here and now and the people the surround.

No one is ever random.

Coincidences do not just occur, follow the path of the 222, wake up and shake your head, pay attention, follow your dreams? WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS? What have you always desired, you can have it I promise my child, I promise. I will hold you, and I will protect you, you make me feel happy and whole and I thank you for that. Your eyes change colour with the weather of your moods and when I look into them I see you. I see you too. And now I must leave you. Thank you.

Where am I going? I do not know.

I am leaving Central America, and I do not want to go… Back to Canada for a week to see friends, to Iceland for a week of hiking, to England for a week and a half seeing friends then back to the land of Oz.

3 and a half weeks…

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Mexican Dreaming

A place where I did not expect to venture to,
Something drew me here,
The Carribean waters called my name,Come journey and release all your fear.

Unfortunately I can’t upload any photos to accompany this text, but I can tell you now that Mexico is one of the most beautiful and intoxicating places I’ve ever traveled to. The air is heavy with water, my hair a frizzy mess and my body is covered with a slick sweat 80% of the time. The fruit is amazing; texture, taste, colours… It’s so abundant and fresh, the vegetables amazing… the spices are awesome. The drinks… The Mexicans know how to make an amazingly refreshing drink.

It never planned to come to Mexico, but my friends mentioned they were going and so two weeks before I arrived here I booked a flight. They left, almost two weeks ago to go travel in Canada, but I have fallen in love with the place and decided to stay. Although, I must admit I have only traveled a very small portion of the country; the Yucatan and Quitana Roo territories, predominantly along the Caribbean coast. I can’t bring myself to tear myself away from the beautiful people I have met here, the amazing community vibe and the amazing beaches. I was without the beach for four months and that was four months way too long. The ocean runs deep within my veins, within my cells, my soul’s blueprint and without it I feel claustrophobic and trapped.

Back in the ocean… I feel as carefree as a young child, galloping into the waves, bracing against the sea’s harsh blows with pure glee, and feeling like a seal lazily enjoying the sun. Being here has made me grow, learn… reconnect. I am so much more confident and capable than I thought. I know I have many trials to come, but I can be confident that I am capable of traveling by myself and being able to embrace the flow next time… A few opportunities have passed me by because of a decision I made in fear, but I have to trust that I will have an amazing experience and meet interesting people regardless.

I am planning to come back to Mexico, to fully explore. I’d love to come for maybe two, three, four, five, six months… The Mexican Spanish is such a wonderful language. I’ve met incredible people here, who have helped me along my path, and I hope I helped them on theirs in return. Big, big things are happening in the Universe right now. It is screaming for AUTHENTICITY. My baby brother came out, although I have known for quite a while already. Conversely, I came out to him. Next step; the parents. But things are happening, and they’re not as scary as I’ve built them up to be in my mind. Infact, it’s way more scary not being my authentic self, than revealing myself to the world as ME.

Many things are happening, changing, transforming… Shedding skin, breaking free – it’s painful, but needed. The highest good.

Sat Nam,
Namaste. XXX