The Sword of Love.

Horrendous-Ecdysis-01

On Love
– Kahil Gibran

“When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speak to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter you dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he
crucify you. Even as he is for your growth
so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and
caresses your tenderest branches that quiver
in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and
shake them in their clinging to the earth.”
__________________________________________________________

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why is it that so many people dear to me and deeply traumatized? I believe everything happens for a reason. In some of the most trying times of my life I have breathed a little more easy knowing that what is happening to me, within me, and around me is for a purpose. A reason. For the highest good. I breathe easier when i take the time to sit, be still, sit with the trees and let the winds wisdom flow through me.

Today, I do not feel that way.

Today, I feel angry.

I feel tired, and sick beyond comprehension. It’s the same feeling I got during Vipassana – certain energetic centres are dense and dark and I want to claw my way out of this skin suit, shed a layer.

I woke up from a nap this afternoon and vomited my guts up. The bad feeling didn’t go away. I raced out the door and let my feet take me where they may and ended up in the gardens behind my house. I sat on a bench and just cried. I cried and I cried and I cried and I have not cried like that for a long time. I sobbed. And then I screamed. And screamed and screamed and screamed. Because everything hurts and I’m not okay, and yesterday I got to see one of my best friends in the entire world and it felt so nice to talk with someone, to have someone care, that truly knows me.

It felt so good. And it felt so fucking bad. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why are the people around me hurting so badly? I can feel it in every touch, every glance, every tone of voice. I feel their pain in every cell of my body and it hurts. I picked up the book ‘The Prophet’ by Kali Gibran in a wonderful store full of books and crystals and artwork on the weekend. I was reading it on the bus today. It’s fantastic. The following passage grabbed me though:

“Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”

It is often said that in times of crisis, people either laugh or cry. That these two responses are flip reactions to the same emotion. Of joy and sorrow. One and the same. I cry because everything hurts. I cry because people around me hurt. I laugh because I cannot believe how silent the trees are today. I laugh because I just do not understand how such bad things can happen to such good people. I laugh because I do not understand how people can do such bad things. I cry because they must be so far from the arms of Love. These people have God in their hearts but they do not see it. I laugh because God is in my heart, and because even though I have been through the darkest night this semester, I know my internal flame will never die. I scream because I have been so scared of being heard for so long. I scream because by denying my voice I have been crushing my soul.

I have faith. The Great Mystery provides what is needed.

Just because I cannot see it, feel it, right now, does not mean it’s all for nought.

In deepest love,
Namaste

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