Soul Songs.

photo by Hal Eastman. click on picture for link.
click on the link below for unbelievably groovy tunes.
https://soundcloud.com/kleighau/sets/february

I thank music for saving my life.

It has saved many. I thank music for being my voice when I couldn’t find mine. I thank all the songs played on repeat that stayed with me through some of the darkest nights. I thank all the songs that made five minutes bearable. I thank all the songs that encourage me to get out of my door. I thank all the songs that spoke to me in times of uncertainty. I thank all the songs that gave me gentle reminders in times of silent introspection. I thank the heavens that I decided to buy a pair of good headphones last year. I thank the heavens that I found myself with the help of heavy bass-lines. I thank the heavens for glitch, for trance, for blues n roots. I thank the stars for acoustic guitar and the sounds of waterfalls and waves crashing. I thank the Sun for shining it’s light through the trees while I dance alone in my gladed sanctuary, free from eyes, free from constraint, just me, the music, the Sun and Mother Earth. I thank the ancients for gongs, crystal bowls and rain makers. I thank all of space and time for my relationship with music, and the relationship I have built with my emotions and my body through it. I thank the heavens for all the connections, all the conversations, all the adventures music has facilitated.

I thank the entire world, solar system, Universe, all that is, for the vibrations that enter my ears and guide my soul into loving action.

I thank todays walk to class during which I became so very aware of the silence of the world today. There is a moving freedom in stillness, and a voice that speaks in silence.

Love and light music lovers,
Sat Nam,
Kels.

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Darkness, Be My Friend.

I have, at times, described myself as an ‘extroverted introvert’. I love meeting people, I love conservations and I love exploring the world around me, and I love being by myself. I need time to myself in order to go out and do the things I love. I realise that I haven’t been doing a whole lot of that in the time I’ve been living away from home. With university being so go go go, and so many things to do and see, the only time I’ve really been spending by myself has been in bed watching netflix, or hungover ventures out… both of which are not adequate. Neither is inconsistent yoga or meditation. I need consistency, to come back to myself each and every –

I cannot write about this.

This is not what I need to write about.

It’s so strange how things work out in life. It’s strange that I anguished for months over a relationship gone stale, till I became convinced it was the right thing to let go and dissolve it… only to come out the other side and realise things I had not before. But perhaps that was the whole lesson, because I don’t think I would have had the realisations without the time apart. Abscence makes the heart grow fonder, or maybe it allows the heart to realise how it truly feels, to step back is to see the bigger picture, the higher Truth, yet now I am here and I still have a million miles to go before I can see anything in sight.

I’m still amidst the white blank slate of the winter tundra, no end in sight, boundlessness all around. I find myself wanting to retreat, my face to the wall curled up in a corner, my songbird withered inside. I have been drinking too much to have stable mental health, because although I enjoy partying, I enjoy feeling myself more. And now, when I do feel myself again after a much needed week’s holiday… I feel capable again of facing my emotions, embracing them with open arms and working with my darkness. It’s needed. I remember talking to my healer back at home about how shocking the pain of accepting unresolved wounds was, because it is all well and good to be able to intellectually know that you have to accept your fears to work past them, but it is a whole other ballpark, a whole other realm to feel that pain, to welcome it with open arms. To say to the hurting inner children within that it’s okay. I see you. I acknowledge you. I love all of you, every dark crevice, every unspoken fear, every single quality you deem a flaw, every memory that causes your memory to churn… I accept you.

It is also strange how certain circumstances seem to have reared their heads again, situations that seem to question my strength of character, my values and my actions. I thought my beliefs and intentions were solidified, but now I realise they are not… like everything in life they are transient and subject to change. They are impermanent, and I have to work with each situation on a play by play basis. I need to stop putting others needs and wants first, and say fuck it, I will live the way I wish to live. I am allowed to want what it is that I want. I give myself permission to desire, I give myself permission to love and feel worthy of love. I give myself permission to realise that I cannot please everyone around me with my actions, and to not put myself second in my life. I am not responsible for the pain others feel if they deem myself to have stepped on their toes, which does not mean that I cannot act with grace and respect, but that the grace and respect must include myself first and foremost.

I am capable.

I am powerful.

I am hurting…

..and that’s perfectly okay.

Darkness, be my friend, in more ways than one.

“Self love is an ocean
and your heart is a vessel. Make it full,
and any excess will spill over
into the lives of the people
you hold dear. But you must come first.”
Beau Taplin | | S e l f  L o v e

Omens.

I remember sitting on my friends porch around 9pm on New Years Eve… Sitting with the last sunset of the year, pondering all that had gone before this year, and all to come… Last year, 2014, saw so many things. It saw me embrace my body in sex, it saw me connect with a beautiful man in some of the most wonderful ways, it saw me realise love and realise heartbreak. It saw me realise that a relationship was no longer serving me, and to take the step to end it. It saw me put steps forth to spread my wings and leave the nest. It saw me meditate silently for 10 days straight and accept pain. It taught me how to listen. It saw me tentatively embrace. It saw me unsure of where I was going, but ready to go.

IMG_9044The last sunrise of 2014… and the last sunset… Thank you Sun for all that you have taught me this year. Thank you for your confidence, and your warm embrace. Thank you for helping rejuvenate me, for helping me come to terms with many a thing. For your birth and your death. Your endless cycle. Your lessons. Your strong helpful hands. Your unrelenting love and compassion, your endless reassurance that everything will be alright, is always alright. Thank you, oh beautiful Sol.

IMG_9048  IMG_9052

Eternal gratitude. Scared, yet allowing myself to flow freely wherever the river may lead. Through dark tunnels, rapids that turn me inside out and wring my heart out, through long slow calm stretches, through arctic waters, through Caribbean love, all is well.

Love and light to all,
especially those going through times of great darkness,
Sat Nam,
Kelsey.

Dark Swamp Apology

Why is it that we are so often repulsed by things which, deep down, we truly crave? A non-admittance to the self, the soul, of it’s forbidden wants, ifs and maybes. A tiny voice that is drowned out by saying no, no, no.

I would say that now I wonder how I truly felt about you, yet that is a lie… I do wonder. There is a Truth begging not only to be intellectualized but felt. I sense a contradiction deep within, and though it… through it… I just struggle to put this in words even in my own mind. I’m not sure I am ready to say how I feel, or that I know how I feel at a rational level, but I know the emotion is there, it’s within my body somewhere and waiting to be acknowledged.

I spent a sleepless night not half a week ago thinking of you and what I would do were I to see your face again. The next day I saw you’d removed me from your friends list on social media and I didn’t know what to do with myself… I haven’t been checking up on you but it seems specific that these two happened at the same time. I know that you have cut a tie, that you are moving forward and I’m so glad, it’s for your best. At the same time though, I feel like a rubber band has been snapped on my brain. Wake up, there’s a lesson here somewhere.

If I were to be home, I’d walk up to your gates, stride toward you with silent purpose and take you in a deep kiss. At least then we’d know. There’s even a potentiality that you’re reading this right now because you knew me better than I knew myself a lot of the time, and to be so damn honest, that’s what scared me. Fuck. Every time we hugged, the older we got, the more me knew each other, the more I held back. I feel this is a repeating pattern, and I feel helpless to stop it, to accept it. It got to a point where I felt repulsed, and now I know it is a revulsion of my self. There is something inside me that I have never acknowledged, allowed, and being half way across the world I feel sick to my stomach. You knew me better than anyone else, without words, and you still loved me and I constantly brushed your compliments aside, they made me uncomfortable… It made me uncomfortable that you had so much love for me, because you knew me; the worst parts of me and you still stayed. I’m sorry I didn’t.

Because you seem to have found a beautiful girl, and your smile looks like it gets bigger each and every day… I am so proud of you, and how you’ve come to terms with your self and bravely engaged in the most courageous of conversations and said fuck it, i’ll be myself. You are a beautiful soul and I am sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry I pretended to not hear the one sentence you whispered into the phone, because that sentence now haunts my dreams. Because I heard it, loud and clear. I wish I had responded by telling you the story of one night we spent in my four poster bed, curtains surrounding, and I stared at your back half the night horrified by the startling realization that all I wanted to do was reach out and touch you. What I wanted most in the world was to be held by you, despite my actions screaming the opposite; the countless nights in your bed where I would wake up drenched in sweat stuck in between the bed and the wall, the furthest away I could get.

And as I am writing this I think I am understanding my muddled up mess of a brain. I never wished to cut you out, what I truly wanted was to repair our relationship and be open and communicate and get back to a state of loving, of progression and moving forward… but my actions didn’t line up with that and I never truly knew why – but now I do. Because how can you repair a friendship when it’s based on lies? How can you repair a relationship when one party is in a state of self-denial? I am half way across the world, no idea when I will be home, no idea what the future holds for either of us. I can not never see you again.

So, what now?
What, in the name of all that is holy, do I do?

Courageous Conversations

Courageous conversations will save the day,
paving the path for a brand new way
our interactions must go beyond hello and goodbye
beyond jobs and study
housing and complaints,
to a place where we truly hear one another,
where we listen,
a place not of restraint.

12 hours ago I entered an event my head up in the clouds
and not 6 ago I left
felt again part of the ground
– the soil that surrounds this Canadian land,
once so foreign
has begun to take on a life of its own
I am listening

To the silence of the snow,
the lay of the land,
the people voices,
and those that say
We can

We can rise above,
Above lethargy, blind sheep faith,
All the wicked things we say of eachother’s names
-We can see above the clouds
if only we plant our seeds
in this potent fertile ground

I hear a movement,
I feel this energy,
It’s tangible,
Like in physics how width breadth and distance comprise what we call 3D,
The time of the fourth;
It is what I can now see

Time stops still sometimes,
In moments with strangers
With eyes of sea foam –
And I stop and wonder why it is
I’m a million miles away,
But here I feel at home

My heart feels at peace
– at peace with
making bridges of understanding
Collaboration
Brutal honesty and
All loving Truth

I feel a spark within myself,
My insides growing hot
I feel my biological soup stirring and boiling in order to
Transform,
To transcend barriers between race, sex, gender, sexuality, interests, status, appearance
To move and shake,
This alchemy is magic and it has been simmering down low

And it’s been on my mind lately, how is it that we always know?
I feel a tug, a recognition, and a call toward individuals whose names I don’t even know and when we talk I am filled with pure joy
I love this chaotic world with a secret order all of it’s own,
Coffee shops where I get to shake off the freezing snow,
I love moments like this,
Sharing thoughts and many a wish,
I’ve come to love the cold winter air
So tantalisingly beautiful it feels like an ice queen’s kiss.

It’s late and I’ve got to rest my weary head,
My tired eyes, my fluttering heart,
But I’ll finish with this;
Keep up the good work,
the open conversation
And acting from your kind, generous hearts.

It’s said so often, but we are all one,
We are the rise and fall of the waves,
The colours of the setting sun,
So let’s unite and reconnect,
Become environmental warriors
and act to preserve that with which we are all so wonderfully blessed.

To borrow a term used to end yoga class;
May the long time sun
Shine upon you,
All love surround you,
And the pure light within you,
Guide your way on.”

Sat Nam,
Namaste.

Seasons

Back and forth, back and forth
to the humdrum rhythm of my heart,
My stagnant body begins to move
despite multitudes of false starts.

As my blood begins to pump
I hesitantly greet each body section and slice –
Acknowledge the metallic tang on my tongue,
the pent up energy in my thighs.

The world of forms so lacklustre,
when will the dark nothingness of Winter end?
Depsite the boundlessness that surrounds,
why does it feel that I cannot bend?

I am a tree –
My branches frozen and weak,
this cold feels limitless,
the future so bleak.

It feels foreign to me
that some trees have not yet lost their leaves,
perhaps they too
cling to the idea of who they used to be.

The home I left was burning hot,
fires raging in unrelenting fury through the rolling hills –
Yet here I now stand in a land of harsh snow
and it’s given me the chills.

The spirits of nature
have many a wise word to convey,
including the beautifully terrifying Truth –
things always change.

At home if I felt lost
I’d get down close to the rich, dark soil and pray,
but here I have to deal with it differently,
say fuck it, and get up on stage.

And so,
In moving directly from the carefree abundance of Summer
to this frozen Winter tundra,
I am learning of the innumerable ways in which
the Earth can be my Mother.

She whispers:
Let yourself dance in jest of every internal fight,
surrender to that which you cannot control,
enjoy the gentle sun on your skin, white snow on your lips,
chop wood, carry water –
Spring will be here in a little bit.

So empty I stand
in the midst of this boundless foreign land,
eyes toward the horizon and
fire within,
I patiently sow seeds
whilst I wait for the growth to begin.