I have, at times, described myself as an ‘extroverted introvert’. I love meeting people, I love conservations and I love exploring the world around me, and I love being by myself. I need time to myself in order to go out and do the things I love. I realise that I haven’t been doing a whole lot of that in the time I’ve been living away from home. With university being so go go go, and so many things to do and see, the only time I’ve really been spending by myself has been in bed watching netflix, or hungover ventures out… both of which are not adequate. Neither is inconsistent yoga or meditation. I need consistency, to come back to myself each and every –
I cannot write about this.
This is not what I need to write about.
It’s so strange how things work out in life. It’s strange that I anguished for months over a relationship gone stale, till I became convinced it was the right thing to let go and dissolve it… only to come out the other side and realise things I had not before. But perhaps that was the whole lesson, because I don’t think I would have had the realisations without the time apart. Abscence makes the heart grow fonder, or maybe it allows the heart to realise how it truly feels, to step back is to see the bigger picture, the higher Truth, yet now I am here and I still have a million miles to go before I can see anything in sight.
I’m still amidst the white blank slate of the winter tundra, no end in sight, boundlessness all around. I find myself wanting to retreat, my face to the wall curled up in a corner, my songbird withered inside. I have been drinking too much to have stable mental health, because although I enjoy partying, I enjoy feeling myself more. And now, when I do feel myself again after a much needed week’s holiday… I feel capable again of facing my emotions, embracing them with open arms and working with my darkness. It’s needed. I remember talking to my healer back at home about how shocking the pain of accepting unresolved wounds was, because it is all well and good to be able to intellectually know that you have to accept your fears to work past them, but it is a whole other ballpark, a whole other realm to feel that pain, to welcome it with open arms. To say to the hurting inner children within that it’s okay. I see you. I acknowledge you. I love all of you, every dark crevice, every unspoken fear, every single quality you deem a flaw, every memory that causes your memory to churn… I accept you.
It is also strange how certain circumstances seem to have reared their heads again, situations that seem to question my strength of character, my values and my actions. I thought my beliefs and intentions were solidified, but now I realise they are not… like everything in life they are transient and subject to change. They are impermanent, and I have to work with each situation on a play by play basis. I need to stop putting others needs and wants first, and say fuck it, I will live the way I wish to live. I am allowed to want what it is that I want. I give myself permission to desire, I give myself permission to love and feel worthy of love. I give myself permission to realise that I cannot please everyone around me with my actions, and to not put myself second in my life. I am not responsible for the pain others feel if they deem myself to have stepped on their toes, which does not mean that I cannot act with grace and respect, but that the grace and respect must include myself first and foremost.
I am capable.
I am powerful.
I am hurting…
..and that’s perfectly okay.
Darkness, be my friend, in more ways than one.
“Self love is an ocean
and your heart is a vessel. Make it full,
and any excess will spill over
into the lives of the people
you hold dear. But you must come first.”
– Beau Taplin | | S e l f L o v e
I remember sitting on my friends porch around 9pm on New Years Eve… Sitting with the last sunset of the year, pondering all that had gone before this year, and all to come… Last year, 2014, saw so many things. It saw me embrace my body in sex, it saw me connect with a beautiful man in some of the most wonderful ways, it saw me realise love and realise heartbreak. It saw me realise that a relationship was no longer serving me, and to take the step to end it. It saw me put steps forth to spread my wings and leave the nest. It saw me meditate silently for 10 days straight and accept pain. It taught me how to listen. It saw me tentatively embrace. It saw me unsure of where I was going, but ready to go.
The last sunrise of 2014… and the last sunset… Thank you Sun for all that you have taught me this year. Thank you for your confidence, and your warm embrace. Thank you for helping rejuvenate me, for helping me come to terms with many a thing. For your birth and your death. Your endless cycle. Your lessons. Your strong helpful hands. Your unrelenting love and compassion, your endless reassurance that everything will be alright, is always alright. Thank you, oh beautiful Sol.
Eternal gratitude. Scared, yet allowing myself to flow freely wherever the river may lead. Through dark tunnels, rapids that turn me inside out and wring my heart out, through long slow calm stretches, through arctic waters, through Caribbean love, all is well.
Love and light to all,
especially those going through times of great darkness,