“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” – Unknown.
Grief. I feel hesitant to even own the word. Hesitant to permit my heavy heart to feel this way. Or to acknowledge it openly. To be grieving in the silence, in the hidden, in the moments stolen alone… To put on a brave face…
You were Here and I Knew before I knew.
You Left and I knew before you left.
I felt you, loved you and carried you with me.
My heart is always open for you.
I don’t know why I’m here….
The words spill from my mouth relating to present moment but I open my other eye to see these words from a different perspective… Relating to a quote I saw at work:
“The two most important days of your life are when you are born and when you find out why.”
I am Why-less and yet full of Why’s at the moment. Sitting, waiting, wishing. Dreaming through this foggy lense, sinking deep into a thick naseua and being rained upon by a sea of tears… I don’t know why, don’t know why, don’t know why.
I am just.. tired. Tired. Tired.
Exhausted from every How are you, exhausted from every moment upon waking where I dread going to sit in an office for eight hours contributing to helping other people live their dream of serving others… Serving serving serving, I am not serving. I feel sick, stagnant and stuck – stuck in some type of loop where I can’t quite get my head clear…
Seriously sad about lack of support when I reach out for it but then illuminated with the light of love with my divine friends and colleagues…
If you’re feeling wrung through the emotional wringer – you’re not alone.
Sat Nam folks & buenas noche. Xx
Image: Harboring Dreams by Dorina Costras
dear that which I cannot see, but can only feel,
it has been a long wild ride with thee
some long in fact
my body is tired
my mind exhausted
and i feel fucking flat
my mind has been busy running in circles
while my life stands completely still
in rapid-paced stagnation
i feel things grinding
in the back back back ground
and when i listen to my heart
it sings only its song of silence
break me from these
Wow. It has been an age since I have posted a blog, an age since I have even thought about this blog.
Sitting here and reviewing some of those old poems has brought me to realise just how much has changed this year. All of the things I have let go of. Forgotten. All the things that have fallen away without me trying at all.
All the things that have come my way.
The things that are still to come.
The feelings in my body & the burning need for more simplicity.
For quiet conversations and silent kisses.
For gently held hands and true listening.
For midday sun and no shoes.
For giving thanks for all that is recieved.
For showing up for myself.
For showing up for others.
For silence and
and for path,
and for holding space for myself first and foremost.
For the true unknown of the future and for the
lack of fear.
for the curiosity
of all that is
and all that has come to be
and all that
So much has happened in a year.
So much love, destruction, and fear.
So many songs, and birds and trees,
so many flights and sleepless nights,
kisses and long hazy blurs.
I love you, I love me, I love love love the birds and the bees.
and a bear hug
Sweat drips down my brow as my leg quivers in the air, my knee waving from side to side down earthside. ‘Ground down, realign to the midline’ I hear. This helps. Tendency to exit out and rest when I ‘can’t’. Move through, do what you can. Focus on one point. What is your focus? Your drishti? It is not the problem, it is your attitude. Your focus. Be here, now, and do what you can. Others benefit from your totality, no matter how that shows up.
So many things flying around in my ether at the moment.
Desire to learn more about the body, physiology, joints, ligaments, structure, alignment, hormones. Mind body paradigm is not complete without the body. It is okay. Flip sides of the same coin, some come from one side of the fence and others from the other. You know, how it goes.
Spine, blood, brain, nerves, tissue, muscles, joints, bones, liagments, breath, food, let go, release, rinse and repeat.