Numbing the fear, numbing the fear, numbing the fear.
Trying hard to believe it’s all going to be okay.
Trying to roll with the waves, but everything feels too good to be true.

Who am I to arrive at the life I dreamed?
Who am I to step into a life of my creation?
Who am I to be so special, that I deserve a guarantee?

Life does not come with a guarantee.
I just hope I get to stay long enough,
to build a life
with You
and Me.


I love you.
I miss you already.
I am afraid that it is my time.
I am afraid that I am leaving.
I am afraid of terror.
I am afraid of being alone when I go.
I am afraid that I will not get to have a life with you.
Because I want one.
I want a life with you.
I want to live with you.
To grow with you.
Travel with you.
Explore cliffs, rivers, oceans and life with you.
Have children with you.

I want you, you, you.

Only you.


Ocean Spirit and Sea Snake Dreams

Image result for tsunami artwork

I dreamt last night of the ocean. It was a real dream – one I know was sent as a messenger from beyond.

I was walking along the beach shore with my love, next to sanddune cliffs and became aware there was going to be a storm surge or a freak wave, and I was scared of a tsunami. I said to my lover, we need to run to the car and get out of here, but we were a while away and he said no we need to get to higher ground. So we ran, with all the people, and we found an apartment complex. We were climbing over the bannisters to rest and the wave had crashed into the shore and there was water below in the courtyard where there was once none.

We left there and knew there was another surge to come. It was raining. We came to an oval with a grandstand, standing on spindly metal legs – seemingly in the middle of nowhere. I wanted to keep running, but he encouraged me to get up on the grandstand. So we did. And we were there and the surge was coming and we were afraid but I remember thinking, as we kissed, that although I never imaged life to end like this, if it happened then it wasn’t so bad with you by my side. And the wave came, and came much higher than we’d thought and then it turned into lava. The rickety grandstand we were on that had been swaying, we suddenly tryed to get to stay steady with all our might.

The lava disappeared and became ocean again, and this time we swam. We swam through the city buildings, high. We were high. The ocean had come in metres and metres and metres. At least 20, if not more. I have the weird feeling to say 40 or 80.

Anyway, then my lover was gone (in dreamspeak) and there I was with a group of people in the middle of the town square and we knew that the tsunami wave was coming. We thought this was it. Then the spirit of the ocean, feminine, rose up looming large, but just for us. She told us to listen to what she had to say, and follow her instructions, and we’d be okay even if we were in the water when the wave hit. I remember dipping under to hear her message, but I can’t recall it… I know it was specific, but then there was the wave, and we were underwater, and she whispered to me about the group of snakes tangled up like vines below me, almost like clumped near a bannister? or something underwater. And she said that even if I drowned, or died, even though I was underwater because of this wave, I could save a snake. My death didn’t have to be for nought. And so I swam down and I released a snake from the pack and it was relatively skinny and green with spots, and it started to swim up to the surface and as it did it became much thicker, and turned darker with purple tones… it matured so to speak… and I swam up too and survived.

And then, part of the same dream but maybe not in the right order- but my love was gone, and instead I was there with my child, a daughter, around 10 or maybe a bit older. And we were running and making our way through this city, finding safe places to be when each surge hit. And I was twirling an engagement or marriage ring around my finger and saying to someone that although my love was gone, my daughter was the biggest gift I’d ever recieved and that it didn’t matter because life made sense with her (or something along those lines). And then we were looking, and we’d made our way onto this arc like boat, and it was also kind of like a church, and the end was coming – we knew the last wave was coming and it was big like armageddon big and my daughter and I had happened upon this boat like they’d been waiting for us because we were pairing people up, like in a marriage ceremony type thing. And the sunlight was golden and it was like the last hour on earth type thing…  And that’s the last thing I remember because I woke up then but wished I could fall back asleep to see how the End occurred.

So much message and meaning.

I felt like waking up and telling my love that our child would have been a girl.

I don’t know if that would help though.

Maybe that’s for me to know. And maybe it was my inner child?
But I really don’t feel so.

And the ocean – the messages. Wow. The serpent and the listening and the dying not in vain and trusting to guidance and following blindly because it is right and true and as long as I have that Faith I will survive. Releasing the serpent and seeing it ascend the clear waters, maturing with ease… Having purpose…


Image result for pregnancy loss art
Artist unknown.

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” – Unknown.

Grief. I feel hesitant to even own the word. Hesitant to permit my heavy heart to feel this way. Or to acknowledge it openly. To be grieving in the silence, in the hidden, in the moments stolen alone… To put on a brave face…

You were Here and I Knew before I knew.
You Left and I knew before you left.

I felt you, loved you and carried you with me.
My heart is always open for you.

I Don’t Know Why I’m Here


I don’t know why I’m here….
The words spill from my mouth relating to present moment but I open my other eye to see these words from a different perspective… Relating to a quote I saw at work:

“The two most important days of your life are when you are born and when you find out why.”

I am Why-less and yet full of Why’s at the moment. Sitting, waiting, wishing. Dreaming through this foggy lense, sinking deep into a thick naseua and being rained upon by a sea of tears… I don’t know why, don’t know why, don’t know why.

I am just.. tired. Tired. Tired.
Exhausted from every How are you, exhausted from every moment upon waking where I dread going to sit in an office for eight hours contributing to helping other people live their dream of serving others… Serving serving serving, I am not serving. I feel sick, stagnant and stuck – stuck in some type of loop where I can’t quite get my head clear…

Seriously sad about lack of support when I reach out for it but then illuminated with the light of love with my divine friends and colleagues…

If you’re feeling wrung through the emotional wringer – you’re not alone.

Sat Nam folks & buenas noche. Xx

to that which i cannot see


Image: Harboring Dreams by Dorina Costras

dear that which I cannot see, but can only feel,
it has been a long wild ride with thee
some long in fact
my body is tired
my mind exhausted
and i feel fucking flat
my mind has been busy running in circles
while my life stands completely still
in rapid-paced stagnation
i feel things grinding
in the back back back ground
and when i listen to my heart
it sings only its song of silence
sweet silence
hold me
sweet sweet
release me
sweet sweet
undo me
break me from these
it all.